The idealized, snowglobe-meets Capra vision of Christmas evokes mixed emotions in some people. On the one hand, it’s comforting in its sweetness and silence. On the other, it’s overload. When the tree meets the snow meets the stockings hung with care, the saccharine reaches seizure-inducing heights.
The audio equivalent of that idealized Christmas involves a few ho-hos, some jingling bells, and, of course, the ubiquitous soundtrack: Christmas music.
I can remember singing along with carols as a youngster. There wasn’t one I disliked. Today, I still appreciate most Christmas music. Except, of course, for that horrific Muzak version of “Sleigh Ride.” The one with the grating synthy sounding orchestra. That one provokes a Clockwork Orange-style level of aversion in me. As if an icicle was thrust through my eardrums by angry elves while weary Wal-Mart employees pinned me down. Composer Leroy Anderson would roll in his grave if someone forced him to hear that version of his own tune.
Other than that, I’m fine with Christmas music. Real Christmas music. What is “real” Christmas music, you ask? Well, there’s the “faux” carols – the secular songs about Rudolph and Frosty and Santa and such. Older, more traditional carols are far better and more musically interesting – there’s something unique and spiritual about melodies like “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “We Three Kings” and “O Come All Ye Faithful.”
What isn’t real Christmas music, you ask? Oh, boy. Let me tell you.
“All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey. “I Never Knew The Meaning of Christmas” by N’Sync. In a phrasel: Christmas songs by popular musicians.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all Christmas songs by popular musicians make me want to lay land mines on my rooftop and to booby-trap the chimney. After all, I grew up on the Elvis Christmas album. To me, it isn’t Christmas without “Blue Christmas.” Hell, because of its inclusion on the record, I even consider “Mama Like The Roses” a Christmas song. And it really, really isn’t.
So why does everything else stick in my craw so badly? I can stomach Springsteen’s E-Streety take on “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.” I can almost bear John Mellencamp’s version of the cheesy “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I truly dig The Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping” and The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York,” but then, they’re more like songs that happen to involve Christmas than “Christmas songs.”
After that, well, I start to lose patience. “Wonderful Christmas Time” never fails to make me reconsider my love of Paul McCartney (apparently Paul was simply having a wonderful Christmas time because he discovered some new, annoying settings on his Prophet-5). The Smashing Pumpkins’ Christmas song? Really, how does a person listen to Corgan’s Whine of Doom and feel festive? And don’t even get me started on “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” Good intentions and charitable causes aside, this song is dreadful, and lyrically insulting. “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” Likely they don’t – considering two-thirds of the planet isn’t Christian and doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Hey, Cyndi Lauper, did you know when it was Ramadan?
Anyhow, I hope you’re not feeling all bah humbuggy because of this article. I’m not suggesting anything of the sort. I have a ten year old son. Christmas is back to being nothing but awesome. I’m perfectly happy to sing “O Come All Ye Faithful” or hum along with “Jingle Bells.” I put up the tree and hang the garlands and reflect on the fact that, while it ultimately never changes the world , Christmas is a time when we are encouraged to think of others, to think of family, to think of peace. This is never a bad idea in and of itself.
Still, if you want to vent a little because you’re frustrated by the forced cheer, or the shopping mall insanity, or just winter in general, let’s open a door for venting. Post your least favourite and most loathed Christmas songs below. It’ll make you feel better, and you’ll be more likely to enjoy your Eggnog.
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